


My Friends Terrify Me

by CinnamonZor



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Akira and Futaba are Basically Siblings, Cafe Leblanc (Persona 5), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone is Somewhat Scared of Haru, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Futaba is a little shit, Humor, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I really like Shuharu OK?, LeBlanc Family, Mild Sexual Humor, Oblivious Kitagawa Yusuke, Shovel Talk, Swearing, We May Have Overdone It a Bit, not meant to be taken seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 19:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21307700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnamonZor/pseuds/CinnamonZor
Summary: A short time after Yusuke and Futaba begin dating, Akira pulls him aside for a little chat.
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Okumura Haru, Kitagawa Yusuke & Kurusu Akira, Kitagawa Yusuke & Okumura Haru, Kitagawa Yusuke/Sakura Futaba, Kurusu Akira & Sakura Futaba, Kurusu Akira/Okumura Haru, Okumura Haru & Sakura Futaba, Okumura Haru/Persona 5 Protagonist
Comments: 8
Kudos: 96





	My Friends Terrify Me

**Author's Note:**

> Word of warning that this is decidedly a crack fic. I mentioned it a few times in the tags and in the end note below but I really feel the need to emphasize that this isn't to be taken very seriously.

"Excellent work as always, Akira," hummed Yusuke as he placed his empty coffee cup down on LeBlanc's counter. "Your mastery of the culinary arts is truly an inspiration to behold."

"You're just saying that 'cuz I give you meals for cheap whenever I'm over here," chuckled the black-haired man as he picked the empty cup off the counter and headed back to wash it.

"Don't be preposterous," Yusuke scoffed, fairly insulted by his close friend's insinuations. "You are well aware that I don't bestow such compliments lightly. It would belittle my credibility in the artistic world to deem a beautiful object when it is not."

"Just yesterday you insisted that the bloodstains in that chalk outline were a ' Pollock-esque abstract wonder.'

"The arrangement in which they fell so clearly invoked the most primal urges of sorrow within me!"

"No shit," Akira deadpanned back. "That's called 'feeling bad that someone got stabbed.' And aside from the unlikely event that you were ever a sociopath, I'm pretty sure you'd feel the same without considering it artistically."

"But of course," Yusuke explained. "Hence the sheer power of the artist's message, possessing the ability to incite such emotions in even a novice connoisseur."

"…To each their own," Akira sighed, finally giving in. He wasn't sure whether he was more disturbed by Yusuke's over-analysis of a murder scene or the way that he somehow made sense in doing so. All he could really do at this point seemed to be hoping his eccentric former teammate didn't end up becoming a serial killer.

Well, and one more thing. Specifically, the thing that motivated him to inviting Yusuke over to the café in the first place.

"Alright, alright," Sojiro sighed, stepping in and shooing Yusuke off his stool. "I'll take over from here now that the lunch rush is over. You two go ahead and chat or something. I'm sure you have quite a bit to talk about." The tired café owner peeked directly toward Akira during his suggestion, to which the former gentleman thief responded with a small, yet determined nod.

"I sincerely thank you once again, boss," Yusuke said with a smile as he followed Akira toward the stairs in the back of the café. "Though I must insist that you begin keeping a tab in my name. Your fine cuisine deserves the appreciation."

"Don't sweat it," Sojiro dismissed the request as per usual. "You're scrawny and broke enough as is. I'm not letting any of you hooligans starve to death on my watch." _Besides,_ he thought, _I'm basically considering it payback for today's plans anyway._

With an ever grateful bow, Yusuke continued after Akira, stepping into LeBlanc's infamous attic room. Sojiro really hadn't changed anything since the former leader of the Phantom Thieves had returned home that Spring. Even several months later, in late July, each and every decoration and knick-knack he'd collected and opted against bringing back to his hometown was right where it was the last time the group had gathered before their farewell road trip to the distant suburb he'd grown up in.

There was one notable addition, however. Set up in the middle of the room was the card table they'd formerly gathered around while utilizing the attic as their official Phantom Thieves base. They'd moved their central HQ down to the café area once Sojiro uncovered their identities, so he hadn't seen the set-up since the prior October. It was comfortingly nostalgic, yet also fairly perplexing. What reason could he possibly have for setting up the table again?

Perhaps even more perplexing was the third party lying in wait, sitting upright on Akira's bed with her phone to her ear and a notebook on her lap. As Yusuke observed the room, fairly uncertain as to what was going on, the black-haired male held up his hand in a shushing motion.

"Yes, I do believe that the second option is the best possible distributor for our chain's coffee beans," the fluffy-haired woman declared into the receiver. "Kakaichi-san, please ensure the deals are in order by the end of the month so they are ready by the projected launch of the first location. And with that, does anyone else have additional input or suggestions?" Akira and Yusuke stood, watching Haru quietly wait for a response. After a few moments, there seemed to be no further input on the other end.

"Wonderful," she declared in a cheerful, yet formal tone. "In that case, our meeting is adjourned for today. I sincerely hope you all have a satisfactory week. Farewell for now." And with that, she removed the phone from her ear and watched it for a second or two before hitting the "hang up" button. As soon as she'd ended the call, Akira bounded over and planted a light kiss upon his girlfriend's forehead.

"I take it the conference call went well?" he pondered warmly. "From what I heard, you nailed it as usual. Bet all the doubters feel even dumber for underestimating you each day."

"Oh, yes! It went very well," Haru giggled, standing and giving Akira a quick peck on the cheek. "The first installment of the café chain is projected to be up and running by the end of summer!"

"See?" Akira beamed, wrapping his arms around Haru and spinning her around him with a goofy grin on his face. "You're amazing at everything! I won't accept any attempts to deny it so don't even try, my brilliant sunflower!" The two giggled and spun around in their lovey-dovey bubble for about fifteen seconds before, they remembered they weren't alone at the moment. Akira's cheeks turned a fairly distinct shade of pink as he set Haru down on the floor, who immediately spun to face Yusuke with the same cheerful look she typically adopted among her close companions. She was surprisingly more comfortable with PDA than Akira, leaving her relatively unfazed as she smiled at the young artist and brushed the wrinkles out of her top.

"Good afternoon, Yusuke-kun!" she greeted the boy as he attempted to put the finishing touches on the thumbnail of the couple's earlier romantic display in his sketchbook while the image was still fresh in his mind.

"Hello, Haru," he replied in a deadpan tone as his hand flew across the page, hoping he could capture the essence of their joyous endearment in a simple rough outline. "Do not mind my presence. You may continue your passionate display of adoration should you wish." That comment was seemingly enough to drag Haru into the feeling of awkwardness as well. She turned her eyes down nervously and started fiddling with her hair, while Akira gently facepalmed at Yusuke's all too familiar bluntness and fascination with the affairs of others.

"As… tempting as that sounds," Akira muttered, peeking back at Haru out of the corner of his eyes, "we actually brought you here for a different reason."

"I see," Yusuke pondered. His face lit up and he snapped his fingers in realization as a thought came to him. "Oh! Did you hope for me to paint an engagement portrait for the two of you?"

"W-WHAT?!" Akira and Haru yelped simultaneously. "N-no!" Akira sputtered, rapidly waving his hands in front of him.

"W-we're not…!" Haru choked out, rapidly looking between Akira and Yusuke.

_…Well, not YET anyway,_ the two thought to themselves, before realizing where that train of thought was going and remembering that they were getting way off track.

"Just…" Akira sighed, "just sit down, Yusuke. I was actually hoping to have a little chat with you."

"Very well," Yusuke complied, pulling out one of the chairs from the card table and sitting in it as Akira did the same on the opposite end. "Though we were just talking in the café before now. I fail to see why it would be imperative to continue our conversation here."

"Not the same conversation, Yusuke," Akira explained. "It's meant to be more of a one-on-one thing."

"Then why is there a third person here?" Yusuke pondered, looking up at Haru, who was still standing near the bed.

"I asked Haru to sit in for moral support and to have multiple angles to this discussion," Akira replied matter-of-factly. "Though her involvement is less personal than my own, the subject is still fairly important to her as well and she has a particular interest in this type of conversation."

"I'm also in charge of the shovel!" she added proudly, pulling a three-foot gardening spade out from under her perch and gleefully brandishing it like one of her signature axes. Not much was capable of fazing Yusuke aside from a number of admittedly strange outliers, but the time they'd spent in the Metaverse had instilled each and every one of the Thieves with an innate fear of Haru smiling at them while holding a potential weapon.

"I know you know that's not what a shovel talk really is," Akira chuckled, "but it's still a pretty funny and useful visual aid and I love it."

"I apologize, but what is this 'shovel talk' you mention?" Yusuke inquired. "If such a talk usually lacks shovels, then I have run out of ideas as to what it is you're speaking of."

"Oh, it's quite fun!" Haru began to explain. "A shovel talk is a common element of romance stories where the close friends or family of a love interest warn the other half of the couple about what will happen if they hurt their significant other in some manner. I've been hoping to participate in one for some time now!"

"I know Sojiro probably already gave you one," Akira continued, folding his hands together and borderline glaring at Yusuke through his glasses. His theory was correct. Sojiro had sat Yusuke down in the café after closing the day he found out the two were dating. It was a… harrowing experience to say the least. Yusuke wasn't sure whether he was more afraid of boss's authoritative vow of vengeance or the threat of having one of his primary food sources cut off, but it worked like a charm either way.

"But as Futaba's basically older brother," Akira continued, "I also reserve the right to emphasize that her well-being is incredibly important to me as well. If you bring harm to her physically, mentally, emotionally, or in any other manner…"

Standing from his chair, Akira removed the glasses from his nose and leered down at Yusuke with a level of bloodlust he'd rarely exuded at any point outside the Metaverse. While not as innately instilled as his fear of getting on Haru's bad side, Yusuke would be lying is he said Akira's current demeanor didn't leave him fairly unsettled. Perhaps it could be used for a painting…

"I believe you're one of the few people who are _well_ aware of what I'm capable of doing to you. Am? I? Understood?"

"M-most certainly…" Yusuke muttered. He began to slowly reach for his sketchbook to scrawl down another thumbnail of Akira's menacing glare, but he was abruptly stopped by Haru's shovel swiftly whacking it out of his grip and sending it skidding across the floor.

"My apologies, Yusuke-kun," she stated firmly, gazing down at the side of his head with the unsettlingly ominous expression and tone she typically reserved for the Shadows they fought before blasting them to smithereens. "But our discussion hasn't concluded yet. Now, you are well aware that you are one of my dearest friends, but the same sentiment goes for Futaba-chan as well." Haru stepped over to the side of the card table, resting the shovel against her shoulder with her small, yet incredibly menacing smile on her face.

"For the sake of fairness, I intend to warn Futaba-chan against hurting you as well, but for now we're focusing on you." She placed the shovel tip-first on the hardwood floor and leaned the handle against the table, leaning down and propping her elbows on the surface and staring directly into Yusuke's eyes. "We aren’t insisting you stay together forever, lest your relationship truly doesn't work out, but if you do anything to cause her distinct pain or discomfort, we will find out. And unlike myself, I sincerely doubt you will enjoy the result."

"We'll be keeping our eyes on you," Akira continued, folding his arms. "I doubt you have much to actually worry about, but I strongly suggest keeping this in mind."

"Treat Futaba-chan correctly, Yusuke-kun," Haru softly demanded, "or we can't guarantee that you'll live to regret it."

In that moment, Yusuke found himself unable to properly respond. He never particularly have anything to worry about. He never saw it as likely that he would do anything down the line that would deliberately or unintentionally hurt Futaba, especially to the point of his friends reacting violently. Yet in spite of not having any foreseeable issues to worry about, he couldn't shake the inescapable sense of fear for his life that these two managed to instill in him. From anyone else it'd seem like a comedic exaggeration, but from former Phantom Thieves, Akira and Haru especially, he couldn't help but anticipate a low, yet earnest possibility behind their threats.

"The hell are you guys doing?"

All three of the teenagers' heads turned toward the stairs down to the café, in front of which stood their orange-haired, headphone-clad ex-teammate, crossing her skinny arms and gazing suspiciously over the scene before her. Yusuke's dispatched sketchbook was held in her left hand, flopped over her right bicep. As she observed the three staring awkwardly back at her, a familiar black not-a-cat came racing up the steps after her.

"Sorry, guys," Morgana reluctantly apologized as he guiltily hung his fuzzy head. "I'm not exactly the best at watching the door in this form…"

"Dammit," Akira sighed. "Knew I shoulda asked Sojiro to eye the door."

"Hi, Futaba-chan!" Haru greeted, instantly dropping her intimidating demeanor and lightly waving. "We were just giving Yusuke-kun a quick shovel talk to ensure he treats you well."

"Yeah, no shit," Futaba snorted, shooting the two interrogators the stink-eye. "I got that much from the security bug I put in the rafters."

"In our defense, it was supposed to be goofier," Akira interjected. "But in hindsight, I'm pretty sure you, Yusuke, Ann, and Ryuji are the only members of our group who are even remotely capable of not sounding like a borderline yandere the entire time."

"Though it was certainly still effective," Haru chimed in. The two ran out of excuses and explanations and just turned to Futaba with awkward smiles on their faces.

"Which is exactly why you clods should've invited me!"

Akira, Haru, and Yusuke had no response but to stare dumbfounded at the now grumpy hacker. Each simultaneously breaking the silence with the same, single word.

"…What?"

"You heard me, chuckleheads!" Futaba pouted. "You're supposed to be making humorously exaggerated death-threats and you didn't even invite me!

"You…" Akira pondered. "You know that's not how shovel talks work, right? You don't exactly invite the person whose significant other you're threatening."

"Maybe not for boring people, but come on! This is like right up my alley! Besides, I'd have at least be able to keep you from full-on traumatizing poor Inari over here!" She marched across the floor and stood behind Yusuke, plopping her chin atop his scalp and pulling at his cheeks with her thumbs and index fingers. "I mean, loogit 'im! He all mentally scarred and shit! Now apologize right the hell now or I'm changing your ringtones to the most embarrassing things I can find every week for the next year! I bet those corporate bigwigs'll think _real_ highly of someone whose phone starts blasting _Ass Backwards_ in the middle of a meeting."

"You wouldn't…"

"Akira, just for doubting me, you're stuck with the _Fanboy and Chum-Chum_ theme song next week."

"Fine," Akira sighed in defeat. "Yusuke, I'm sorry for being way creepier in threatening your life than we intended. But in my defense, I ended up getting one from Makoto when she found out Haru and I were together, and I'm almost certain it screwed up my baseline of how far you typically go with these things."

"I also must apologize, Yusuke-kun," Haru conceded. "We never intended to go this far in our shovel talk. I promise we don't intend to actually endanger your life or safety."

"…Apology accepted," Yusuke contentedly agreed, standing from his seat as Futaba continued hanging around his shoulders. Or at least attempting to. She ended up losing her grip fairly easily due to their height difference and her general lack of upper body strength, ultimately settling for wrapping her arms around his torso instead, burying her face between his shoulder blades.

"Really?" questioned Akira, quirking an eyebrow in surprise. "That easily?"

"Of course." Yusuke grabbed the sketchbook from Futaba's hand and patted the forearms linking around his ribcage. "As you stated yourselves, I should have nothing to fear. I have no intention of doing anything to potentially harm Futaba, leaving me fairly safe even if you were wholly serious in your ultimatums. To harm one's muse would be rather foolish, after all."

"However," he continued with a smile, "I am glad to know how much the both of you truly care for her as well. And for that, I must thank you."

"Of course we care, Yusuke-kun," Haru chirped as Akira latched onto her arm. "But it isn't just Futaba-chan. We'd do the same to protect any of us. That goes for you as well."

"Which is exactly why boss doesn't accept your requests to keep a tab," Akira butted in. "Seriously, dude. You gotta eat more."

"Ooh! Idea!" Futaba piped up, her voice slightly muffled by Yusuke's back. "Let's go get an early dinner! I read online that there's some kinda challenge going on at the Shibuya diner!"

"I heard 'challenge' and diner,'" Akira proclaimed. "I'm in by default."

"I suppose it could potentially be more cost-effective," Yusuke pondered. "I shall accompany you as well."

"We could make it a double date!" Haru gasped. "I've always wanted to go on one!"

"Hey! You guys have to sneak me in!" demanded Morgana from his spot on the attic bench.

"Fair enough. I'll get my bag."

"This is going to be so exciting!"

As the five bid goodbye to Sojiro - after informing him that the shovel talk had gone about as well as expected - and headed out onto the streets of Yongen-Jaya, they began to chat amicably, returning to the familiar, friendly dynamic they were accustomed to. Blissfully enjoying the gifts of love and friendship and looking forward to what the rest of their vacation together had to offer.

Until about halfway to the train station, when Akira thought back to something that was mentioned in all the chaos before.

"…Hey Futaba?"

"What up?"

"Did you say something about having a security bug in the attic rafters?"

"…No?"

"I believe she did mention such an item."

"Hey! Zip it, Inari! You'll blow my cover!"

"Futaba… how long has the bug been there?"

_Sigh_ "Since like a week after you went back home for the first time."

"And it's been active this entire time?"

"Pretty much."

"…"

"…"

"…Does that mean you were monitoring-?"

"_Yep._"

"What was she monit-… Oh… Oh dear…"

"Hey, I didn't watch it!"

"…"

"…That many times."

"Oh my god, Futaba!"

"It was morbid curiosity, OK?!"

"I am perplexed. What was she-?"

"You don't wanna know."

"Yes I d-"

"_Trust me._ You really don't."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Y'all are into some kinky shit."

"F-Futaba-chan!!"

"OK! That's enough of that!"

"Said the bottom."

"What does-?"

"SAY YOUR PRAYERS, YOU LITTLE-!!!!"

**Author's Note:**

> Not gonna lie, I wrote this in one afternoon because I really liked the idea of Akira and Haru giving Yusuke a shovel talk and going a bit far with it. Because frankly speaking, they're two of the most terrifying members in the Phantom Thieves and I hadn't slept in nearly 24 hours when I started so I thought it was a good idea. And I needed to write something goofy and fluffy that I wouldn't have to take excessively seriously since the chapter of Emo Nightmare I'm working on is longer and more serious and I needed a mental health break. So yeah. Fluff/crack fest. I'm also gonna go ahead and say this isn't a headcanon part of the larger Shuharu progression I've written a ton of stuff for already. Don't take it that seriously (except for the fact that Haru tops. That part isn't up for debate). Though I did try to stay in character (Yusuke is surprisingly hard to get a handle on writing) and base it in the context of my fic-canon.


End file.
